Behaviour Support
ARE YOU EXPERIENCING AFTER SCHOOL DIFFICULTIES?
Find out how to greet your child after school to reconnect positively
Does your child show difficult behaviours after school? When you try to ask them about their day do they act out, get angry, sulk or disappear to their rooms? This is known as ‘after-school restraint collapse’. Read on to find out more.
It takes children a great deal of energy, mental motivation, emotional containment and physical restraint to be at their best for other people while they are at school. To put this in context, this would be the same for you while you’re at work. You may have found yourself huffing at times, or taking a breath when a colleague has annoyed you. You may go off and have a break, maybe by having a coffee or visiting the toilet. Some days you may have found that all you wanted to do when you got home from work was to have some chill time, be by yourself and to not have to talk to anyone!
For both adults and children, there is constant pressure to ‘keep to the rules’ and behave throughout your day. After your child has followed instructions, listened, sat and tried to be their best self, it could be that they just don’t have the energy to keep up this self-restraint and keep this bubble of emotion in - and so the bubble bursts, resulting in angry shouting, sulking, acting out.
Now you know this, you are empowered to understand that children often just need to decompress when they get home. Let’s help ourselves, and our children, to learn positive ways to release the ‘restraint bubble’.
Greet your child positively (try not to ask lots of questions)
When your child exits the school building, greet them with a smile and a hug.
It’s a natural instinct to ask your child questions about their day, such as “Do you have any homework?” or “What did you learn today?”, or even “I heard you got in trouble today.” Our advice here is to save your questions for after ‘decompression’.
Instead…Just show your delight at seeing your child again.
Give them space
Allow time for your child to voice their thoughts - be ready to listen if they show that they need to tell you something; but don’t talk too much except to comment on what you see as you walk or drive home. If you can, remember not to ask questions, as this can place too much demand for an overtired child. This isn’t the time for big conversations.
Snacks to refuel
Even if they don’t understand this themselves, your child may have a physical need to have their energy tanks refilled. Rather than asking "are you hungry?" say, "let’s have a drink and snack"; and offer food like veggie sticks, cut fruit, cheese, or nuts and a glass of milk or water. Foods such as these gives them a boost that can sustain them for longer, rather than a sugar rush from a biscuit or sweets.
Think about the physical environment
Your child may be affected more than you know by what is in the space around them at home. Mornings can be hectic, but try to leave a fairly tidy house to arrive back home to.
How to stay connected during the day
Children need connection and may experience feelings of loss throughout the day; more so since the Covid 19 pandemic. Ways to stay connected could include giving your child a small keyring or a special pebble to keep in their bag at school; this will help create a sense of connection. Alternatively, a note in their lunch box or a drawing on the skin of a banana or orange of a smiley face, will reassure them that you are thinking of them.
After decompression time
Let your child take the lead to talk about their day. You can show interest and say “Do you want to tell me about your day?” - so they know you care and are interested. Then, when they begin to open up about their day, you can gently ask about any difficult moments they’ve had.
All children are different and will respond to different things to decompress at the end of the day. Even older children need play; and this is like therapy!
Play helps children process. Give them time to do nothing, to chill. Some younger children like physical activities such as running round, wrestling, tickle fights. Older ones might like to go for a bike ride.
Enjoy your children - and have FUN!
Parenting is hard. There are no manuals and we all make mistakes. However, understanding that all behaviour is communication gives us the power to understand and support our children in ways that previous generations could not.
At the end of a long day you may not feel like you have the energy, but laughing and having fun together is really the best way to connect and ease the demands of the day!